Snarly and Snarky

Today is my birthday. Seems I have no problems with the day before my birthday and no problems with the day after my birthday but in recent years I seem to hate my birthday. Today was no exception. I did get to sleep in as school was closed for the children because of a staff day. I didn't have to go in until 9:30AM so got loads of sleep but then I just woke up feeling like I had gotten up on the wrong side of the bed. After the staff meetings at school it was off to Aspire to work all afternoon. I was telling one of my co-workers how "pissy" I was feeling and how I just didn't care for my birthday anymore when she mentioned feeling "Snarly and Snarky". I decided that was a much better way to describe myself feelings about the day.

So why do I dislike my birthday now? Can't say I really know. Is it because I'm getting older? (I'm half way to 110 as I told some of my kindergarten kids the other day, so they decided I must be 70) or is it because of the many years I spent with the lies of what my life was. The other day I was looking for a card I thought I had kept, one that had the picture of "Cindi with an I" on it. I couldn't find it but came across the another old card I had kept that had been given to me about 5 or 6 years ago. In that card, someone proclaimed his love to me, saying that even if he didn't say it or show it the way he should, he has and always would love me. What a joke, but I fell for it hook, line and sinker. Thinking about that card today made me think about how much I want to trust people (men) but find it difficult these days. Which then reminds me how I don't trust myself in my judgement of people in general. Which comes back to my feeling bad on this day that is supposed to be such a big deal.

So I'm still feeling a bit snarly and snarky today but I do know when I wake up tomorrow I'll be back to my old self. Yuck, why did I have to mention the word old??????

Lyrics or Music, now that is the question!

I have mentioned before how much I love the music of John Prine or maybe I should say that what I really love are his lyrics. I've had a number of artists whose lyrics have touched my heart and on many occassion helped me get through a rough time. Two being Carly Simon and Alanis Morissette who both write wonderful lyrics, often using an album to tell a whole story. If you look at Morissette lyrics from album to album, you see how she dealt with a lost love and the bitterness that can take place until finally she finds peace and strength, something I would like to think that I have done as well.

The Bitterness is expressed so well in "You Oughta Know" from the Jagged Little Pill Album

"Cause the love that you gave that we made

wasn't able to make it enough for you to be open wide, no

And everytime you speak her name

Does she know how you told me you'd hold me

Until you died, 'til you died

But you're still alive

And I'm here to remind you

of the mess you left when you went away

It's not fair to deny me

Of the cross I bear that you gave to me

You, you, you oughta know"

It was almost 10 years later on her album "So-Called Chaos" finally shows the peace she has found especially in the song "The Grudge"

"So who's it hurting now?

Who's the one that's Stuck?

Who's it torturing now, with an antique knot in her stomach

I want to be big and let go of this grudge that's grown old

All this time I've not known how to rest this bygone

I want to be soft and resolved clean of slate and released

I want to forgive for the both of us

But who's done whining now?

Who's ready to put down

This load I've carried longer than I had cared to remember"

I feel so blessed to get beyond the grudge in my life so quickly. I seldom listen to the Morissette CDs now because of the reminders of the pain and bitterness I did feel just a few years ago. I would rather listen to happier lyrics to match how my life is going now.

So how/why do you listen to music? Are you into the music and rhythms? Or are you more like me listening to the all important lyrics to see how they might reflect your life and moods?

That being said, sometimes it's just fun to listen to the music for a catchy tune and hear a lyric that just twists the words with some interesting and meaningful or perhaps just plain silliness of thought. Soon I'll write about my favorite John Prine lyrics.

Drats, the weekend is over already!

Another weekend has passed by too fast. I guess I was just busy enough to make it seem to fly by.

Saturday I had my taxes done. I couldn't believe it but I moved up a tax bracket. Guess I worked just a little to hard last year. So even after paying my estimated taxes, I still owed money. But then it was sort of nice to know that my hard work has paid off.

I left the tax office and headed to Holland to visit at Roadhouse Tattoo. I hadn't been out there in some time so had some catching up to do with Tattoo Joe.

Next it was home for a short time before it was time to head to church for the Saturday evening service. When I got home from there it was time to set all the clocks ahead for Daylight savings hoping that I set up the TV in my bedroom so that it was turn on at the right time on Sunday morning to wake me up. I also spend a couple hours on the phone catching up with my friend Nancy. We talk way to seldom so always have sooooo much to catch up on with each other.

Eureka, the TV started at the proper time and it was up and ready for church Sunday morning. For some reason my left leg was killing me today whenever I got off the organ bench. I certainly hope that I don't feel that I have to return to this job next winter as the pain of playing is getting to be too much to bare. No money is worth that much pain.

Sunday afternoon was laundry, knitting, getting firewood in and a bit of relaxing including watching the new RobinHood series on BBC America. I have to agree with Nancy (Widow with Dogs) that this series does not in anyway live up to the older series "Robin of Sherwood".

Now it's time to go to bed and get ready for the week long grind. I'm hoping to get to the gym tomorrow if I can stand to fight the normal Monday night crowd. I had been trying to go on Tuesday and Thursday but I'm going to try Monday and see how that works out. I'm looking forward to getting to work at Aspire tomorrow so I can congratulate Tim for passing his CDL B road test on Friday. Tim is a fellow "Freak" (another story for another time) and was the first person I've trained at Aspire to get his CDL. I was pleased to hear he passed even though Judy had left me a voicemail telling me that Tim had failed because he had hit a telephone pole and a fire hydrant. To think that I was believing her, right up until I heard the laughter in the background! Geez, I had thought I wasn't as gulliable as I use to be!!!!!

Next Friday I have company coming, my friend from The Venturers, Will and his wife, Peggy. We are going out for dinner that night and hope to have BongoBob and his wife, Becky join us for a little Venturer bonding. Gee, I guess with all that fun that means next weekend will probably fly by too fast as well. Drats!

My Gramma Phillips

35 years ago today, my Gramma Phillips died at the age of 79 after fighting cancer. Gramma was a huge influence on my life. She was a loving, hardworking women who always felt like she had to earn her keep to live with us. Grampa Phillips died one week before I was born, suddenly with little warning. My family was living in the apartment upstairs but moved to our own house the next year. When my dad learned that Gramma had basically stopped eating after we had moved to our home, he told my Mom to tell Gramma to pack her bags and move in with us. How many men have you heard about that insisted that their mother-in-law move in? From that moment on, Gramma took over most of the household "duties" so that my Mom could work up the road at the Elma Nursery. Gramma spoiled me rotten. When I got home from school my room was cleaned, my clothes put away, maybe fresh bread was baking in the oven when I walked in with homemade jelly or jam waiting to be spread on the bread as an after school snack. If there was one piece of pie left, she would save it for me. She was just that type of woman. Like I said, she spoiled me rotten. When she died, my world collapsed. As I mentioned in yesterday's blog, she died the day I came home from the hospital with my first baby, Nicole Caroline, Caroline being Gramma's middle name as well. Below is a picture of Gramma that I treasure. What a beautiful woman with a beautiful soul. Even after all these years tears come to my eyes to think of how much I miss her and how I regret my kids never got to know the woman that had such a huge impact on my life. I love you Gramma!

The second picture is one of the few pictures I have of my Gramma and Granpa Phillips. I like to call this picture "The Sweethearts". I never knew Granpa but have heard many stories about him and if I'm allowed a regret in my life, it's that I never got to meet him. I've often thought about the game where you are supposed to think of a few people you would have dinner with who were famous, living or dead. I have often thought I would like to have dinner with my Granpa just so I could find out for myself if he was the same man I heard so much about. It will be 55 years ago on March 23rd that Granpa died.

I'm just plain Mad

It's just one of those days. I'm mad/sad as Hell and know there's nothing I can do about it but vent through this blog. I hate it when life seems to go out of control. Even though I'm OK, a good friend is not and while I admire her strength and resolve, I'm still angry that she has to go through what she is going through.

I HATE CANCER!

Tomorrow it will be 35 years since my wonderful Maternal Gramma died of Cancer. It was also the same day I came home from the hospital with my new baby daughter. Gramma had lived with us since I was little girl and we had been very close. While I was pregnant I had the feeling that she would never hold my baby, the little girl she knew I was having while we were all saying it would be a boy. The day I went into labor, she had just undergone what was considered 4 major surgeries at the age of 79. Mom called to tell me that Gramma had survived the surgery, and I remember feeling what a relief. Within moments my water started to break. I gave birth the next morning and when Mom and Dad came to visit, I was assured that Gramma was doing just fine. Finally I was told that things weren't really going well, but that Gramma had been able to come out of her rantings of speaking to her lone gone brothers and sisters, put on her glasses, sit up in bed and look at pictures of my baby, say that she understood that I had a little girl, laid back in bed and went right back to her almost como like state. The next day I came home, then received the phone call that Gramma had died that morning.

Cancer, The Big C, the whispered word, the anger, the frustration, the secret, call it whatever you will, I hate it. It has taken my Grandmother, one of my uncles, two of my cousins at ages 25 and 51, brothers who ended up getting the same cancer, another cousin's wife, countless friends.

Tonight I got a call from a friend from work. After fighting off breast cancer about six years ago, she is now facing the fact that the cancer is now back in her body in her other breast. She has put on such a brave face for us all for so long and now that damn cancer is back in her body and she must once again put on the fight for her life. Last year she had told me she already had her funeral planned but we all had been so hopeful that she would still win the battle. After having a mammogram this morning, she knows there are seven tumors in her breast and two under her arm.

Below are two pictures of Laura from last spring when she and I went to do a little yard work at another friend's house who had been away for the winter.

Laura is always making me laugh and of course hamming it up for the camera, but now that I look at this picture it makes me think of her spirit and perhaps saying to the cancer, "kiss my ass cancer and get out of my body". Never give up the fight Laura!!!!