What a long strange journey it has been! I married when I was 19 yrs old to the first guy who asked me to marry him. Was this a mistake? Was I just young and stupid? Was I just idealistic thinking that everything would be fine forever? Who knows? I sure as heck don't know.
For many years I thought I had a great marriage, sure there were ups and downs but I thought we always worked everything out and that as life went on things would get better. I was wrong. Yes, I had a pretty good life, but it turns out much of it was a lie. He was lying to me and I was lying to myself about how things were really going.
Shortly after our 32nd anniversary, I finally asked him the question I had been afriad to ask for so long. I simply said to him "don't you love me" and he looked at me and finally told me the truth "no and I haven't for the last 22 years". My life crumbled and within one month of severe depression and loosing 30 lbs. I finally started getting myself together with a little help of my friends (both flesh and blood friends and little blue pills in a little bottle). I got myself a good lawyer, learned what I was going to face in the next few months, started listening to my friends who kept telling me that I was going go to be OK, I joined the gym and the most amazing things happened!
I was OK. I found out I just needed to spread my wings and soar! I had never lived on my own and then I found out I liked it! I started changing the house so that it truely become MY HOME!
My divorce was granted on April 21, 2004. (Would you believe he had called me on April 21, 1971 to ask me out for the first time?) I walked out of court with my lawyer, got to the parking ramp where I had parked my car on the top floor. It was the only car there and I just walked around for a while making a phone call to a friend in PA. I stood there overlooking the Niagara River on the most beautiful spring day. I knew that I finally was on my own and I had to make the most of it to prove to myself and to everyone that I could make it. I wasn't going to let the lies and deceit that had filled my life for so many years stop me for making the rest of my life the best that it could be.
Yes, it's been a long and strange journey, but one that I wouldn't give up. Everything in my past is what has made me what and who I am today. I'm stronger then I ever imagined. I have better friends then I had ever given them credit. Sure, sometimes I have my weak moments, ones that I'm not proud off and some that just make me mad at myself for letting myself fall apart. But there are many many more moments that I'm proud off! I love my life now. I can finally be who I really am, I can make my own decisions and live with the results whether they are good or bad.
2 comments:
Your friends are proud of you too! Love ya girlfriend!
We are extremely proud of you and we always knew you would be OK. No not OK, but better and stronger and happier.
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